It's been a year of changes

Today is Sunday 7th October 2012 and I am sitting with my laptop at my summer cottage at Tammisaari. This is not really any more the time of the year to have enjoyable holiday here but instead the last visit before the winter to do preparations for the house and the jetty before the long winter break.

Dejavu, just like year ago. It was in this same place, coming here for the same pre-winter preparations, sitting with the same laptop, on Friday 7th October 2011, when Jinlin and I exchanged our first messages. So I thought I would do some reflection on one of the core questions of our relationship: When and how will be be living together?

There's been lots of love, lots of learning and lots of good moments between us, in the net and during my trip in China. I am glad we have found each other. Unfortunately, the topmost feeling in my mind at the moment is still a mild melancholy from not knowing - or even having a plan or estimate - on when and how we could finally upgrade our remote relationship to a close-up one. In the beginning it seemed much more clear: we had a plan, we talked a lot about the plan and refined the plan. But according to that plan we would have already been married and living in Finland together for two months now. So the original plan did not come to being.

In our first month, the plan of Jinlin coming to live in Finland in summer 2012 was going strong. I wrote her of possibilities to study interior design and other arts in Finland and she was:

2012-10-10 Robert:  Do you want to move with me to Finland to live with me? :-)
Jinlin:  Yes. I want to, but it is difficult to leave my mother. Because I love her. I go to Finland with you. But you want to see my family, to my home for a few days. We can always later go from Finland back to China. Can also take my mother to visit Finland.

2012-10-17 Jinlin: I want to go to Finland to contact your country's characteristics. I like your country house design. I'm very interested. I would like to study in your country. I love Finland. Ha. This is a wonderful thing. I 'm going to Finland. You take me to the forest. To a more beautiful place.

2011-11-05 Jinlin: After going to Finland there are many complex things to do, I am not afraid of difficulties, because I have you, I think we can solve, I really think a lot of things to be discussed, I like to discuss with you, learning.

2011-11-07 Jinlin: Applying to go to Finland with you life? Will that be ok? I'll be there for you, love you.

2011-11-13 Jinlin: I am graduating high school in June next year. I plan to apply to go to Finland next year. I said to my mother: 'I want to go to Finland'. She says to let me go, but later life can only rely on my own. She wants me to study in Finland to enter the University. [...] But I do not worry, because I think we can overcome these problems, I love you, dear.

During November it turned out that the Helsinki Aalto University design courses were only available in English language only for students who have already bachelors degree from some foreign university. Alternative plans started to pop up in our discussion but summer 2012 was still the main option:

2011-11-14 Jinlin:  I contacted a abroad intermediary agent. They and some schools in Finland have cooperation. Contact me. IELTS study in Shanghai, then abroad. I will ask for the specifics. I think it was good. 

2011-11-19 Robert: So it seems that in order to study interior design in Finland you must first learn Finnish language quite well. So then I propose following. Lets get married in China in autumn 2012 and then come to Finland together!  The first year in Finland you study the language with me and with the many available courses. Then in spring 2013 you apply to Aalto university or some other school for programs starting in autumn 2013.

2011-11-20 Jinlin: I think we can get married in Finland and then went to China to tell my mother. Ha, so she can rest assured, ha. We wait wedding in China until the age that we can hold the wedding in China. Then we have two weddings, that is good thing. I was so happy, and happiness. I love you is so excellent. Every time I think of you, I so happy, like song so wonderful, that is love. The force.

2011-11-25 Jinlin: But I also worry about, is that I didn't apply successfully to Finland, I only in China's University, so how to do? I know in Chinese university can exchange students. We can see the result of the examination. If I can't apply for the past, I think I will go to Finland to travel. Even so, we also want to apply to, ah, do not worry too much, time is long, I will only love you more and more.

In December it become clear that Jinlins mother was not any more so supportive of her daughters Finland-plans, and there was also other tensions between them. But still we tried to keep to the "together after summer 2012":

2011-12-06 Jinlin: Honey. You know I don't want you sad. There may be very obvious cultural differences. Marriage in China is a very important thing, so you can rest assured, I asked my mother. I told her, how you perfect. I let her know, how you worry about me and how I can feel you care about me. I think we don't have to give up the idea, in life if the best thing to lose, what a pity, even if we have a lot of difficulties! We should be able to find a good way to solve, but yesterday I feel your sadness, I feel sad, I was worried about you. So you know, even after she really against it, I will go Finland with you. I don't think I will regret, regret my mother would not support me, but I must have the achievement with university. I want to succeed, so she would have pride in me.

2011-12-06 Robert: It is good when we return together to Finland next July I do not have to go to work immediately. I can be with you all day for some weeks first. So you get good start!
Jinlin: Very nice. I love you baby.

2011-12-14 Jinlin: Dear you is my best gift, this is very good.  I said to you I want to escape from my mother. It's not kidding, now you probably should know. I'll be very sad in such situation, I will work to, I will also love her. When I have the ability of time, I will let my mother be happy. She and I almost no quarrel. When she shouts, I choose silence, I think this is a good way to avoid. I also understand her heart, so dear when we go to Finland?

2011-12-15 [My mother] said I never let her feel proud. She was envious of others, and it makes me sad, so I'm sick. Today I rest at home. Although my mother and I have a lot of different opinions we still love each other. So I want to escape her management. Go to Finland! Strive. Want to let her know, I was actually very good, but I don't like her way of education. I want to have you to accompany! Later I will be very good.

When February 2012 come, Jinlin had already bent on the pressure from her mother and abandoned the "together in summer 2012" plan in favor of starting university in China and coming to Finland after half year:

2012-02-05 Jinlin: In the past my thoughts have not been mature, I think my mother have a lot of ideas I do not like, now I know it is my fault, my mother for me, love me.  Plan in the future will have some changes, my art school in China for half a semester, then go to school in Finland, this is very convenient, we will save a lot of time looking for the school. From Chinese university I can apply directly to the Finland school to go to study, it is convenient. 

Robert: Ok, I understand. Then we will live together bit later than I had hoped :-( But perhaps it is for the best? I think the biggest challenge to study in Finland will be Finnish language. That is why I had proposed to be in Finland to study the language. 

Jinlin: Yes, my dear, don't worry, I think this is the best plan. Don't worry, in China's Beijing province they teach Finnish language, I plan to go to Beijing to study at the school and study Finnish for half term, then apply to Finland schools.

We still continued to plan for her to visit Finland in the end of the summer after my visit to China in June 2012. This did not happen either due to her university starting in September and preparations for that beforehand. Some hope existed to get her to visit still later this year:

2011-08-08 Robert: Let's then plan for your visit to Finland some time in autumn 2012. You said September is too early, then perhaps October? My children are asking: When is Chen coming to Finland? I do not know what to answer.

Jinlin: I will plan, what time to travel to Finland. Rest assured that I will let your child play with me. So do not worry. I will let you tell your kids when Chen will come to Finland. I can in November, China's National Day, likely there will be seven days of the holiday, I can go to Finland.

After beginning of the university, the level of communication we have managed has been low, first due to her military training month and in the past week her not having internet connection to her laptop yet. But because November is approaching fast, I did try to squeeze answer about her. Few days ago she managed to tell me: "I would like to come visit Finland but I do not know if I will have holiday". Well, this I already now understood to mean "I cannot come" so I proposed for myself to come to Shanghai still before end of the year. Even if she does not have any holiday from her school we can be together in evenings and I can do sightseeing in Shanghai at daytime. She agreed and that's what I will start planning now. If mountain does not come to Mohammed, Mohammed shall go to the mountain.

Discussing difficult things, Asian style

Jinlin does not seem to be very direct in telling bad news, things that might disappoint other one. This is understandable of course, but still I would very much prefer to be disappointed early on if there are changes in plans affecting our future. Take can take the hit, get over it, adjust my course in the light of the new information. That is the Finnish way, but perhaps not the Asian way. In my previous work with Chinese and Indian software developers I have noted that they too are eager to present positive status reports even if there are problems so that the problems are discovered only much later creating much more hassle.

Now I am not the kind of person who insists on fixed plans. From my work in software development and from my past relationships I know that plans must be flexible and refined or updated together as needed when situations change. But if two people have a shared plan and other person realizes some impediment that will disrupt the plan, I think it would be fair and just to let the other party know as soon as possible that the plan needs to be abandoned or changed. And if a plan aiming for some target needs to be abandoned then it would be fair and just to make a new plan together rather than just let things hang in gray twilight of no plans.


Still, at the moment, I feel there is no current plan of how, when and where we will be living together with Jinlin. The old plans have been fading away. The latest agreed plan about her doing half year of university and then applying to Finland cannot obviously happen any more. But nothing concrete has been coming to replace it. No dates, no years, no names of schools. From all our past discussion I do not doubt that Jinlin wants to come to Finland to live happily ever after with me. But I cannot avoid some measure of worry when her answers are mostly: "don't worry, I will let you know" followed by days, weeks and months passing with no new information or thoughts on the matter.

In a stereotypical western relationship the woman wants to discuss the details and plans of their relationship and marriage and future together while the man wants to have sex and drink beer with buddies and watch football and avoid any kind of "relationship discussions". It is ironical that now in my relationship with Jinlin we now seem to have opposite situation: I would be more worried and hence more eager to discuss practical matters related to the development and future of our relationship.

Patience and flexibility are virtues but determination and planning ahead are also virtues. I aim to live peacefully and happily in uncertain situations and I try to avoid being control-freak who must know all of present and future (obviously futile attempts). I am willing to proceed step by step without knowing the long-term future. But I still do respect long-term planning in important matters.

"Future will be good"

Few days ago we had a joyful and rare (in recent times) possibility to chat with each other properly when she was able to go to an internet cafe. The best news was that she is supposed to get her own laptop connected to internet finally on Monday 8th October, that is tomorrow. We also discussed the longing for each other in times of limited communication:

Robert: I miss you every day. I look at your photos, I write my blog about us, I read your old messages and I listen to your music so I stay connected to you and my love for you. 

Jinlin: It is sad that since the starting of my school I have not been able to have much time with you. But the future will be good. I hope you understand. 

Indeed I hope and also want to believe that our future together will be good. But in the silence of the evening, when cold October wind is blowing outside in the trees, a little melancholy is difficult to avoid.