Ah, poor girl! Once more Jinlin has been quite silently suffering of multiple troubles before opening up about them. One month ago I wrote about her dramatic breakup with her mother and hope to her her to Finland rather soon. Well, that did not happen. In our rather patchy communication in the following weeks she was telling that she has not been able to proceed with the bureaucracy related to VISA and travel arrangements. I guess her intentions also changed, her moments rage to quickly leave everything behind fading somewhat. Now it seems that while her relationship to her mother has not been restored, she does continue her art studies in Shanghai for the time being.
Our communication has been patchy partly because of technical problems (her phone has been broken and the internet connection in her dormitory is not working), partly because of her overtly busy study schedule, partly because physical illnesses (she has been at times in hospital for treatment) and partly because of her ongoing insomnia, stress and anxiety. What is the relative contribution of these different factors is not quite clear to me: patchy communication makes it also difficult to find out exact reasons for the patchy communication.
But every now and then we do have long chats and she opens up about her worries and feelings and I try to comfort and help her as well as I can. Telling of the woes of her recent weeks, she wrote sad words:
I have now sent 10 000 yuan to Jinlins bank account to ease at least her money trouble if not anything else. I have told her (once again) that I love her, that she should not be afraid to talk with me about anything at any time and urged her to buy immediately a new phone (she said she will) so that at least there would not be any technical difficulties in keeping in contact with me.
And she did give me something: some very beautiful words, words that I can keep in my heart when I patiently wait for a better tomorrow for us together:
Our communication has been patchy partly because of technical problems (her phone has been broken and the internet connection in her dormitory is not working), partly because of her overtly busy study schedule, partly because physical illnesses (she has been at times in hospital for treatment) and partly because of her ongoing insomnia, stress and anxiety. What is the relative contribution of these different factors is not quite clear to me: patchy communication makes it also difficult to find out exact reasons for the patchy communication.
But every now and then we do have long chats and she opens up about her worries and feelings and I try to comfort and help her as well as I can. Telling of the woes of her recent weeks, she wrote sad words:
我 最近 很 委屈 。 我 哭 了 快 一 个 月
wǒ zuì jìn hěn wěi qu 。 wǒ kū le kuài yī gè yuè
I have had much grievance recently. Nearly a month I have been crying.
我 想 摆脱 自己 内心 。 很 多 不好 的 毛病 。She had also been running out of money and she had been resorting to getting some money in ways I found quite desperate and sad:
wǒ xiǎng bǎi tuō zì jǐ nèi xīn 。 hěn duō bù hǎo de máo bìng 。
I want to cast away my heart. Very many bad defects.
我 把 我 的 头发 卖掉 了. wǒ bǎ wǒ de tóu fa mài diào le
I have sold my hair
我 剪 了 短 发 。把 长发 换成 了 200元
wǒ jiǎn le duǎn fā 。 bǎ cháng fà huàn chéng le 200 yuán
I cut my hair short. I got 200 yuan (30 euros) from the long hair.Why, oh why, did she not tell me earlier of her troubles? Why did she not ask for help earlier? I cannot do many things from far away but I can write her comforting words and I have plenty of money I am happy to use to help her. She had me some answers, the crux of the matter being:
我 不想 麻烦 你 。wǒ bù xiǎng má fan nǐ 。
I did not want to trouble you.Well, there we go again. The overtly polite, non-demanding and secluded nature of Chinese mentality and Confucian philosophy: taking you almost rather to your grave rather than complaining or asking for help. It might still barely work if the other partner is fully in tune with the subtleties of the mentality and physically nearby to read all non-verbal hints. But neither of those is the case in our relationship. So then, as the Chinese say: 我 没办法 wǒ méi bàn fǎ : there is nothing I can do if she does not talk to me.
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| Bunny doll Jinlin crafted for me as a gift in 2011 and pillow I made for her. |
I have now sent 10 000 yuan to Jinlins bank account to ease at least her money trouble if not anything else. I have told her (once again) that I love her, that she should not be afraid to talk with me about anything at any time and urged her to buy immediately a new phone (she said she will) so that at least there would not be any technical difficulties in keeping in contact with me.
And she did give me something: some very beautiful words, words that I can keep in my heart when I patiently wait for a better tomorrow for us together:
抱歉 . 我 不善 于 表达 爱 。
bào qiàn . wǒ bù shàn yú biǎo dá ài 。
I am sorry I have not been good in expressing my love.
和 我 小时候 经历 有关
hé wǒ xiǎo shí hou jīng lì yǒu guān
It has something to do with my bad childhood events.
谢谢 你 理解 我 。 默默 的 爱 。
xiè xie nǐ lǐ jiě wǒ 。 mò mò de ài 。
Thank you for understanding me. Understanding my silent love.
中国 的 爱 。 是 在 心里 。我 爱 你 在 心 。
Zhōng guó de ài 。 shì zài xīn li 。 wǒ ài nǐ zài xīn 。
Chinese love is hidden in the heart. I love you in my heart.
给 你 个 礼物 。我 的 爱 。
gěi nǐ gè lǐ wù 。 wǒ de ài 。
I give you gift: my love.
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